Saturday, July 31, 2010

Loss

My father died last night. He had been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer only a few days before. He went home and died surrounded by one of his brothers, my step mother, my step brother, my half sister and my sister. He is at peace.

I am sad. I spent a large portion of last night trying to figure out if I was sad because I had lost my father which is natural of course or sad because my father and I were never close. He was a man who did not show emotion much. He was raised not to like many men of his generation. I can only remember three emotional conversations we ever had. The first was when my parents were divorcing and he told me in tears how he would always be there for me. The second was when, some twenty years later, again in tears (both of us) when he attempted to explain why he had not. And the third was this last Thursday night.

I was in Wisconsin with my friend, Pam. It was a beautiful evening and we were at her youngest daughter's softball game. I had tried to call Dad earlier and my cell phone would say "Call Failed". I almost didn't try again but gave it one last shot. And the call went through. He appeared accepting of his death. I told him where I was and how I had to get home before I could come to visit or even make arrangements. We both felt so sure he had more time. He told me he would not go anywhere until I came. Sometimes we can't keep promises. We told each other we loved each other and I know he always has.

So, I am sad and crying as I type this. I am sad for all the years he and I missed as our last conversation was one of the best we ever had and sad that it had to take his dying for us to have that.

I need to write this for me. Goodbye Dad.

18 comments:

madcow said...

I'm so sorry Jules. It has been such a mixture of a year for both you & Gene as you both farewell one generation and welcome another. Take care of yourself and know I love you.

Amy said...

oh Jules.... I am so sorry... I'll be around if you want to talk... take care

altar ego said...

I'm glad you had that last conversation. It can't fill the void of the relationship you missed, but in a way it puts a period at the end of a sentence, if you know what I mean. You have it. And I'm so sad for you that you weren't able to see him before he died. The same happened with me and Kathy--I was heading to see her when she passed away, and I didn't have that final, face to face exchange that I thought would bring some peace. More than anything, I hope that you find peace to take the edge off the sadness and the grief. I love you abundantly.

Teri said...

So sorry Jules, I know this is tough, take care and many hugs to you

Teri said...

so sorry for your loss, Jules, many hugs to you

madelineas said...

I am so sorry Jules, went checking for you because you have been on my mind. Holding you in my prayers.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

pam bennett said...

(((hugs)))
you did everything you could, and you got to tell him what he needed to hear. Miss you.

Cindy Marchant said...

oh gosh Jules, I am soooo terribly sorry about your dad. I think I had a very similar relationship with my dad before and after my parent's divorce. Then a few years before he died in a car accident he was finally the dad I always wanted. He was sick at this point and was told he only had a few years left. I think everything changes when one is faced with their mortality. Things that used to matter no longer do and the things that didn't matter before do. Sadly it is often too little too late. My heart goes out to you Jules. I wish I could wrap you in my arms and hug you in person. I'll be keeping you close in thought. (((hugs)))

Wendy said...

Jules,
So, so sorry to hear about your dad. I wish there was something I could do or say to take the pain away. Sending you some hugs and a little vino from the cabana boy.

Deb said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Jules. ((hugs)) to you and your family.

Chelle said...

I wish I was there to give you a big hug Jules. Thinking of you and your family.

Laura said...

Jules- I am so sorry for your loss. {{{HUGE HUGS}}} to you:(

Deanna said...

Hugs from me, too.

eljay716 said...

Jules- So sorry to hear about your father. It is never ever easy. You are in my thoughts.

Juliana said...

OH Jules! I am so sorry to hear this! My internet has been down so I had no idea! Big {{{HUGS!!!}}} to you!!!

Maria said...

So sorry for your loss Jules. I'm glad you had a chance to have that last conversation with him, I'm sure you will treasure it for years to come. Hugs.

Whippet said...

I'm so sorry Jules. My story is very similar to yours, so I sympathize with you. It's still very hard, but now I tend to remember the good things, the funny things, and the things that meant the most to me. Prayers and Hugs

sonia said...

I am so sorry for your loss dear BFFF. Sometimes fast is best for them. You know how to reach me if you need me. Love, sonia